Retro Reviews
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We’re proud ashamed to announce the arrival of a sequence of retro game video reviews here at Remakes Towers via the medium of YouTube.
Recently, we made the discovery that most video reviews with the honourable exception of Yahtzee over on the wonderous Zero Punctuation are in fact rubbish. Honestly, take a wander onto YouTube and see if you can last 2 minutes of some bloke waffling in an incredibly tedious manner over the top of the game footage. No, really - do so. Because if you do, you soon realise that the intertubes are filled with unintentional comedy genius. With this in mind, we decided that it was time to take matters into our own hands.
Of course, it’d be easy to do better - and also, not much fun. So we wondered whether we could possibly do worse. We think we’ve succeeded. The Retro Remakes Retro Reviews plumb depths that you can barely imagine - so much so, that we’re pretty confident that our Retro Reviews are the worst on the entirety of the internet. Our reviews are filled with swearing, microphone pops, inaccuracies, outright lies, faked accents and the sounds of keyboards being bashed senseless. We do so hope you enjoy them.
#1: Caverns Of Kontania
Oddbob approaches Caverns Of Kontania, an action adventure game for the ZX Spectrum. With a stick.
#2: Battle Of The Toothpaste Tubes
Every computer should have a game that involves toothpaste tubes battling it out under the title of Battle Of The Toothpaste Tubes. TCK reviews the game with gusto, enthusiasm and glee.
#3: Drunk Policeman
Examining the phenomena that’s taking over the nation. Policeman getting drunk and sticking small o’s in inverted o’s for fun.
#4: Gyruss
Caff disappears up… well, you know this joke already don’t you?
#5: Samantha Fox Strip Poker
Betpet stops hunting small children to throw into the canal and directs his attention to a pair of jugs. On his table. At least they’re not badly digitised.
#6: Stop Ball
A game about stopping balls.
#7: Killapede
Mushroom! Argh, it’s a snake… or is it just Betpet returning once more to his chair of reviewing brilliance!
#8: Sqij
Caff makes a squidgy sound with his head and a keyboard. Very messy.
#9: Auf Weidershein Pet
Sadly cut short by the arrival of the police at Remakes Towers to arrest everyone involved in this terrible crime against YouTube.
#10: The Ninja Master
Happy Monster dresses in black and manages to hurt his hand on blocks of wood whilst no-one is looking.
Speak your brains
4 Responses to “Retro Reviews”
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These reviews are awesome. I especially like the guy with the Geordie accent reviewing Stop Ball.
Is it me or does the first reviewer talk like he’s got a mouth full of crap? I can barely understand ‘im. Other than that it’s not too bad….
Not too bad?
We’ve failed :(
oddbob your reviews are totally awesome you should spend all your time doing them until you die of malnutrition like what that girl who lived on the moon did on world of lovecraft